1) BABA YAGA: Angelina Jolie. According to Russian folklore, Baba Yaga is a fearsome witch with bony legs and iron teeth. In these stories, Baba Yaga lives in a hut in the woods and eats little children for supper. Do I honestly have to explain any more? That sounds exactly like Angelina Jolie.
2) BRANGELOONIES: Also known as loons. Morbidly obese lackeys who worship Baba Yaga and buy into her bullshit. They love to send death threats and throw homophobic slurs around. I suspect they might be part of the gastropod family, but I think they missed the IQ cutoff by a few points.
3) GOAT BITCH: Brad Pitt. His horrendous goat beard earned him this nickname back in 2009. Baba Yaga keeps him outside in a goat pen and feeds him alfalfa sprouts and murky hose water. He is abused and this amuses us. Very much.
4) MACKEREL PUSSY: Samantha Ronson. Her vagina looks like it smells like a piece of raw fish festering in the afternoon sun.
5) MAMAN: The Angry Greek's mother. She has a thick French accent, has absolutely no patience, and enjoys slapping the Greek Girl around with her Muppet slipper. She also enjoys baking banana bread in her spare time.
6) PAPA: The Angry Greek's father. He has no sense of humor, enjoys yelling a lot, and is terrified of midgets. He also has a thick Greek accent and says things like, I baking powder instead of I beg your pardon.
7) RUDOLPH: Lindsay Lohan. She earned this nickname when her SCRAM bracelet started flashing red at an MTV Movie Awards after party. On a whim, I asked Lindsay who she thought she was, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? Yeah. And now you know why that creepy mall Santa tried to grope your penis last year. Lindsay has been a very bad influence up at the North Pole.
8) SWAMP MIDGET: Snooki. Self-explanatory.
9) ANGRY VAGINA: When the Angry Greek first started writing the blog, she would make jokes about how her vagina hated her for being a virgin. Eventually, the vagina morphed into her own weird character. She started drinking because she was not getting any action. She started yelling at the Angry Greek and demanding to know why she was a virgin. She also started getting into trouble with the law. Her drink of choice is vodka. When she is upset, she drinks it from a baby bottle. Oh, and when she is suicidal, she sits in the blender and threatens to puree herself. She and the Angry Greek are two different entities. The vagina is completely mobile and not part of the Angry Greek’s anatomy. She wears pink plastic Barbie heels and sleeps in a Barbie Dream Bed. Are we surprised? The bitch is only three inches tall. Oh, and she used to be married to Megan Fox. They are currently estranged.
10) WATER BUFFALO: Kim Kardashian. Do I really have to explain this? Kim is a large bovine and when she farts, the male members of her species come running. This is her mating call.
11) WIG JOLIE: That tattered thing clinging to Baba Yaga's scalp. Wig Jolie is a talented pubic wig who put herself through acting school by posing for various kitten calendars. She enjoys long walks on the beach, chasing birds in the park, and urinating on Goat Bitch.
12) YETI KHLOE: Khloe Kardashian. She is roughly the size of a Redwood and looks like she could throw a refrigerator across a room.