Baba Yaga Was Fitted For Horns
And before any of you get started with me, I know this entire story is full of shit! Since when does Baba Yaga need to be fitted for fake horns? All you have to do is play a sound bite of children screaming and two horns will automatically stick out of her forehead. After all, there is nothing that excites Baba Yaga more than the sound of screaming children. In fact, she wants to create a soundtrack of children screaming over the sound of ocean waves. So relaxing. Especially after a long day of sodomizing goats and tenderizing toddler meat.
Anyway, as most of you know, Baba Yaga will be playing Maleficent in an upcoming movie and apparently, she was recently fitted for horns: “It’s a really great script. I’m having a lot of fun. I’ve already got my horns fitted. My kids are very happy.”
And once again, I am going to adjust that quote so that it actually makes sense to us: “Who wrote this piece of shit script? I have never read such pretentious crap in all my life! Obviously, the writer has no idea how to plagiarize! I am not having fun at all! Dammit, my horns are poking out of my forehead again! Goddamn kids! They’re the reason I’m so stressed out at the moment! Obviously, I’m feeding them too much kibble! Well, no more! From now on, they’re only getting one feeding a day!”
And this was followed by Baba Yaga lurching out into the backyard and spraying Goat Bitch in the eye with the hose. Yes. Just like Maman, Baba Yaga knows that the secret to life is abusing those who are less fortunate. Yeah, and why do I have the sneaking suspicion that Maman and Baba Yaga have been trading sexy messages in a Match.com chatroom?
MuppetSlipper666: So tell me a little bit about yourself.
DecayingCorpse69: Well, I like long walks on the beach, worshiping Satan, and eating toddler stew on chilly winter nights. What about you?
MuppetSlipper666: My, you sound wonderful. I enjoy beating my daughter, terrorizing Tokyo, and baking banana bread in my spare time.
DecayingCorpse69: Mmmm. You sound perfect.
MuppetSlipper666: Why, thank you. You also sound like a very lovely woman. Now put down that toddler stew and sit on my face. I am going to suck your soul out through your uterus.
DecayingCorpse69: Too late.
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Okay, that conversation between Maman and the Yaga has me crying!
Mar 29 at 10:14amAG, can you imagine Maman bringing home the corpse and telling you, "This is your new stepmother. We're getting married in the fall."
Mar 29 at 10:15amProbably the most truthful part of the interview was "I'm having a lot of fun." She did give the interview while mashing potatoes with Shimizu, right?
Mar 29 at 10:16amJen, I think you hit the nail on the head. Baba Yaga loves mashing potatoes with Shimizu. That would make her happy.
Mar 29 at 10:17amOF, noooooo! My twin has suffered enough! It's telling how turned on the Yaga was when Maman mentioned beating her daughter.
Mar 29 at 10:18amJen, I'm knocking on wood! Terrible of me to even suggest such a thing!
Mar 29 at 10:20ammaman and baba yaga? i should have seen this coming!
Mar 29 at 10:21amLMAO, AG! Baba Yaga doesn't need to be fitted for a strap on dildo either! She has the real thing!
Mar 29 at 10:22amI'm thinking of the poor kids. A Disney movie...with a lot of loons in the theaters ? The worst day of their life !
Mar 29 at 10:23amBYBB, true! The Yaga is gifted with all kinds of appendages - and the one you just mentioned isn't even hiding under Wig Jolie! No wonder she stood so awkwardly in the slit dress! She needs a lady to show her how to do it right, but Goat Bitch is in no mood to do her any favors right now.
Mar 29 at 10:25amAG, you crack me up! That banner pic never gets old by the way! God bless that old woman!
Mar 29 at 10:25amHer expression really says it all doesn't it?
Mar 29 at 10:26amJen, you wore the dress first and you wore it so much better! Work it, girl!
Mar 29 at 10:26amAGHM, I love that picture too! Deadpan granny for the win!
Mar 29 at 10:27amAGGM! I made the same mistake as OF! Sorry, AGGM!
Mar 29 at 10:27amNo problem, BYBB! :)
Mar 29 at 10:28amHandsome, you raise a valid concern. I'm not sure which will be more traumatizing for the children - the loons in the theater or the preternatural beast on the screen.
Mar 29 at 10:29amFREAK YOU REALLY WANT TO THINK THAT ANGIE IS A LEZZIE DON'T YOU? YOU SHOULD ADMIT THAT YOU FIND HER HOT!!
Mar 29 at 10:29amTHE REASON YOU HATE ANGIE SO MUCH IS BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE'D LOOK AT YOU AND LAUGH!!!
Mar 29 at 10:30amUNREQUITED LOVE IS A BITCH ISN'T IT?
Mar 29 at 10:30amANGIE WILL LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL AS MALEFICENT!! SHE HAS THE PERFECT BONE STRUCTURE FOR THE ROLE!!! BEAUTIFUL!!!
Mar 29 at 10:30amTHEY SHOULD CAST BABY JANE AS THE ROTTEN APPLE. SHE'D BE PERFECT FOR THAT ROLE!!!
Mar 29 at 10:30amYou should know about unrequited love, DQ. Ever since I took out that restraining order, you've been busy trying to depixelate my topless scene from Wanderlust. Don't think I don't know.
Mar 29 at 10:31amCapsie, you just described yourself perfectly. You're a huge closet case.
Mar 29 at 10:32amAnd by "huge" I mean that literally. Replace my front door.
Mar 29 at 10:32amCapsie, are you kidding? You're obsessed with Jen's ovaries and her vagina. You should come out of the closet!
- Team AG
Mar 29 at 10:33amAnd by the way, my twin is not lying about the Yaga's preference. Call 1-800-SHIMIZU for details.
Mar 29 at 10:33ambecause contrary to popular belief, not every Jenny can be reached at 867-5309.
Mar 29 at 10:34amTank ass, you're in pain and I get that. Jen still hasn't returned your desperate love letters. Poor dear. Time heals all wounds.
Mar 29 at 10:34amJen, LMAO! I love you. The loons love to forget that the Yaga swings both ways and prefers Jenny Shimizu's penis. It's much larger than the goat's.
Mar 29 at 10:35amJen, I love that song! Now I'll have it in my head all day! :)
Mar 29 at 10:36amOF, is that really saying much? Like anything at all? I know we throw around the term "pencil dick," but even a golf pencil would be overly generous. His is more like a Midol capsule.
Mar 29 at 10:37amBuahahahahahahahahahaha!
Mar 29 at 10:37amJen, LMAO! I took Midol this morning. I'll never look at the bottle in the same way again!
Mar 29 at 10:38amSHIMIZU AND ANGIE HAVEN'T BEEN IN CONTACT FOR YEARS AND THANK GOODNESS!! SHIMIZU CAN'T COMPARE TO BRAD!!!
Mar 29 at 10:39amTHE FREAK IS A HUGE LEZZIE AND SHE WANTS EVERYONE ELSE TO BE A LEZZIE TOO!!!
Mar 29 at 10:39amTank ass, that's crap. Jenny Shimizu even said that she still sees Baba Yaga for sex.
Mar 29 at 10:40amShe said something along the lines of their relationship never having an ending.
Mar 29 at 10:41amDQ, you're right that Shimizu can't compare to Goat Bitch. She doesn't wear pink taffeta nearly as well.
Mar 29 at 10:41amAG, so good to read your new posts! If Maman brings Baba Yaga home, throw holy water into her face!
Mar 29 at 10:42amGood morning, hos! Capsie, va te faire foutre!
Mar 29 at 10:42amGood morning, Scottish Ho!
Mar 29 at 10:43amCapsie, the Yaga has openly admitted to being bisexual! Your arguments are worthless!
Mar 29 at 10:45amBahaha! AG, I'll be praying for you! Baba Yaga as your stepmother would be terrible!
Mar 29 at 10:48amCapsie, blow it out your ass! And aim away from the blog. We want it to stay up.
Mar 29 at 10:49amCapsie, you're off your meds again, aren't you?
Mar 29 at 10:52amCapsie, Shimizu can't compare to Brad. True. Brad has an inverted penis and Jenny has at least 12 inches in her boxers.
Mar 29 at 10:54amMaman, is up to shenanigans! First Janice Dickinson and now Baba Yaga!
Mar 29 at 10:54amPEOPLE AREN'T BORN GAY YOU KNOW!!! THERE ARE PLENTY OF EX GAYS OUT THERE!!!
Mar 29 at 10:56amCapsie, just shut up. Please. There are no ex-gays. Just people who suppress who they really are.
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