Archive - Oct 2011
What is there to say about Japanese horror pranks? Only that the crew must have a hell of a time mopping up all the urine from the floor! And as for my expensive hos, I wish you all a happy and safe Halloween! If you happen to see the vagina stumbling through the streets tonight, just do me a favor and call the police. Whatever you do, do not pull over and tell her to get into your car. She will probably ask you for twenty dollars before leaning over and taking your zipper down with her teeth. Wait a minute. The bitch has teeth? I am so fucking confused right now.
PS: For those of you who want to skip the introduction in the second video, simply jump ahead to the 30-second mark.
Head Troll, thank you so much for posting a link to the latest masterpiece by FFP! I am sure that when Capsie sees this photo, she will smile tenderly at her computer monitor and blow a gentle kiss to Baba Yaga’s butt pads. By the way, I laughed out loud when I saw Goat Bitch sitting next to a bowl of kibble! That is all you are getting, Goat Bitch! Murky hose water and a dog dish filled with stale kibble! Enjoy it while it lasts! FFP, keep being your brilliant self! Happy Halloween!
When Goat Bitch heard that Baba Yaga was taking the kids ice skating, he promptly threw his tea cup over his shoulder and quickly ran upstairs. After trying on several different outfits in front of the mirror, he finally decided on a sequined leotard with pink leggings and a chiffon skirt.
“My stars!” he lisped, twirling slowly in front of the mirror. “If Georgie were here right now, he would pound me like a piece of flank steak!”
After applying a coat of lipstick and spritzing himself with tangerine body mist, Goat Bitch tossed his hair back and pranced downstairs.
“What do you think?” he asked, flouncing into the living room. “I contemplated wearing a pom-pom hat, but I thought it would be too much.”
Jane the Vampire Slayer stared speechlessly at her son, her skin turning an unhealthy shade of gray.
“Are we ready?” Baba Yaga snarled, hopping into the living room. “My fucking leg fell off again. I knew I left the freezer too soon this morni – ” Baba Yaga abruptly cut herself off and stared wordlessly at Goat Bitch. “What the fuck are you wearing?” she asked finally.
“This is my Ice Princess outfit!” Goat Bitch lisped, fluffing his skirt. “I’m like Tonya Harding, only without a penis!”
“Okay!” Jane cried, jumping up from the couch. “Children, are you ready?”
As Jane quickly left the room, Baba Yaga grabbed hold of Goat Bitch and lowered her lips to his ear.
“You look like a fucking vagina,” Baba Yaga growled. “And do you know what I do to vaginas?”
“You tear them up?” Goat Bitch squeaked.
“Exactly,” Baba Yaga said, shoving him aside and hopping out of the room.
Kim, for once in my life, I cannot criticize you for wearing a ridiculous costume that makes you look like a regurgitated grape leaf lying next to a used tampon. After all, anyone who has ever slept with you has ended up with open sores, itchy bumps on their genitals, and painful discharge. So that being said, Poison Ivy is an excellent costume choice, and I am very proud of you for being so honest this Halloween.
And speaking of honesty, I should also admit that Kim had originally planned to go as Ariel from The Little Mermaid. However, things went awry when she visited Yeti Khloe earlier that evening.
“So, Khloe,” Kim began, standing in front of the mirror and adjusting her red wig, “how are you and Lamar doing?”
“Good!” Khloe grunted, sitting down on the bed and picking lice out of her pubes. “Odom have hard time lately. Poor pookie-pie. So this morning, Khloe take Odom to fertility clinic for implantation.”
“What?” Kim asked, freezing slightly.
“I know,” Khloe sighed. “It difficult to talk about. Khloe try for three years to get Odom pregnant. Try everything. Make Odom keep track of ovulation. Make Odom give up caffeine. Make Odom wear cotton panties instead of thong. Nothing work. Khloe desperate, so Khloe take Odom to fertility clinic.”
“But Khloe!” Kim cried, turning to face her sister. “It’s impossible for Lamar to get pregnant!”
“Why?” Khloe asked sharply. “He say something? He take birth control and no tell Khloe? Because if so – ”
“No!” Kim cried. “Khloe, Lamar is a man! It is impossible for a man to get pregnant!”
“Why?” Khloe asked, slowly getting to her feet. “You think Khloe not virile enough to get Odom pregnant?”
“No!” Kim said nervously. “That is not what I am saying!”
“You think Khloe have bum testes? You think Khloe a flop?”
“No, not at all!” Kim cried, slowly backing away.
“You think Khloe need pill to get it up?”
Kim slowly edged toward the door, too frightened to say a word.
Earlier this morning, my father was nice enough to call me and wish me a Happy Halloween. “You remember you first Halloween? You were five years old and you stupid mother dress you up as a ladybug? Well, we both take you trick-or-treating and you were so scare of everything! We take you to this one house, and when a witch answer the door, you threw you candy bucket in the air and ran screaming for the street! What an idiot! Thank goodness I catch you in time! You could have been kill! Anyway, I just call to wish you a Happy Halloween!”
As I sit here writing this post, Slutty Gay Friend is combing his wig and pontificating about the proper way to drink a seasonal cocktail. Slutty Gay Friend, shut the fuck up. This is not a goddamn Japanese tea house! Drink the cocktail any damn way you please! Jesus! And on that note, I hope everyone goes out tonight and has at least one Halloween cocktail! No, vagina, not you! You have had more cocktails than Goat Bitch has had cocks in his tail. And knowing Goat Bitch, that is saying a lot!
To be perfectly honest, I have no desire to talk about Baba Yaga’s visit to Auschwitz, because every time I think about it, I feel sick to my stomach. So in lieu of writing about that, I thought I would write about Baba Yaga’s recent interview with Martin Bell.
First of all, every time this bitch opens her mouth, I feel like she is regurgitating lines from a script. There is absolutely nothing genuine about her. Everything seems carefully planned and contrived. In fact, here is what was happening behind the scenes:
Martin Bell smiles at Baba Yaga, shifting his note cards around on his lap. “Baba Yaga,” he begins, “you have been in the field now for over ten years. What motivated you to do this?”
Baba Yaga fusses with her wig, glaring irritably at the makeup crew. “Is my wig on straight? It is? Because I can hear it snoring in my goddamn ear! This stupid fucking thing! Anyway. Yeah, what motivated me to do this? Well, first of all, I wanted to fool people into believing that I was a caring person. That was first on my list. But then I developed a deep fondness for toddler meat.”
Martin Bell stares at her for a shocked moment. “And – uh – and what exactly does that have to do with UNHCR?”
“Well, if a child goes missing in a war torn region, who will go looking for them? Nobody! WAIT A SECOND!” Baba Yaga yells, causing the entire crew to jump. “Stop the cameras! Stop everything! I completely forgot to look concerned!”
As the camera people stop filming, a frazzled makeup person runs onstage and powders Baba Yaga with corpse makeup.
“Okay, Baba Yaga, are you ready?” the Director asks after a moment.
Baba Yaga nods, causing Wig Jolie to snort in her sleep.
For some reason, this stupid sign reminds me of the cat Slutty Gay Friend used to own. He rescued her from a local animal shelter and she turned out to be the cat from hell. This cat used to hide on top of the furniture and jump down on your head whenever you walked by. She would also run up to you and bite the fuck out of your kneecap for no apparent reason. Slutty Gay Friend used to limp around the house, screaming, “NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WAS ABUSED BY HER PREVIOUS OWNER!”
Ahhh, good times! We lived in fear for three long years until she passed away quietly in her sleep. After that, Slutty Gay Friend refused to look at another cat. Which makes sense, if you think about it. Now he has an aversion to every type of pussy.
What in the fucking hell is going on in this country? Are you telling me that innocent telescopes are turning to a life of crime? Oh, telescope! What happened to you? I hardly recognize you anymore! You used to be such a nice person! Caring, polite, ambitious! But then you dropped out of college and started selling your body to pay for your emerging drug habit. And then you started robbing people at gunpoint and snorting lines of coke off the bathroom floor! Oh, telescope, you are breaking my heart! Keep this shit up and you will eventually end up dead or in prison! I can’t – I can’t – oh, God, I can’t stand to see you like this! *sobs loudly and runs away with tears streaming down my cheeks*