Archive - Feb 2012
Good morning, my expensive hos! I know that I’m supposed to be taking a break from the blog this week, but I couldn’t let this day go by without wishing Luscious Lynn a very happy birthday! Luscious and I have an amazing friendship and she is always there to check up on me and make me laugh. Literally. Luscious will go out of her way to make me giggle, no matter how much schoolwork she has to do. That is what friendship is all about, which is why I am going to make her giggle by putting up two decadent GloZell videos!
Capsie, do you see what I’ve been trying to tell you about the meaning of friendship? Simply because there are flies buzzing around your ass doesn’t mean that the flies love you! When was the last time a fly ever told you a joke? What? The flies always tell you jokes? I see. The flies talk to you on a regular basis? Uh-huh. Oh, the flies told you that you need to track down all the Jen Hags and shoot them with a sawed-off shotgun? Okay, Capsie. That’s enough now. I’m not a psychiatrist but I think you need high doses of anti-psychotic medication and some bug repellant. You’re so welcome. Change your underwear.
Happy Birthday, Luscious! I hope your day is filled with class and decadence!
Lots of Love,
The Greek Girl
PS: AB, you are so freaking adorable! Keep entertaining the hos with your hysterical comments! And thank you for the bunny!
Good morning, my darlings! I am so sorry for running out on you yesterday morning without putting up some kind of message! Things got extremely busy for me and I didn’t have the chance to update the blog. I also wanted you to know that I will be taking a few days off in order to take care of several things. I will miss you all but I will be back as soon as possible.
Capsie, back to you. Admittedly, I have been thinking a lot about your relationship with Pammykins recently. I think you two make an adorable couple and I cannot, in good conscience, let that relationship die. So I think you should make an added effort to set the mood tonight. I think you should waddle on down to Sports Authority, find a sexy camping tent, and model it for Pammykins. And if you can perform a RAUNCHY dance to All The Way Lover, I am sure Pammykins would feel a heady rush of desire for you. That is just my two cents, Capsie. Which is ironic, considering that the AV is a two-cent hooker. She used to be a penny hooker but she raised her price once she started buying the generic version of Hermes perfume at Wal-Mart.
Have a wonderful weekend, my expensive hos, and please take good care of yourselves!
The Greek Girl
PS: Thanks to the very decadent Team Wig, we all get to see Makenzie from Toddlers & Tiaras screaming and crying for no fucking reason. You know, I just don’t know about kids today. My Maman’s idea of a good time consisted of throwing tupperware at me and chasing me around the kitchen with a broom, and never once did I scream, “I WANT MY NI-NI!” at her. Yeah, that would have earned me another round with the Muppet slipper and a possible drowning in the toilet.
PPS: Dee Angry Bitch, I am wishing your dear mother a very speedy recovery! Please take care! And that goes for all of you, my pumpkins!
By popular demand, here is our favorite fisherman fucking things up and generally making me feel a whole lot better about myself. Yesterday, I nearly fell down a gigantic set of stairs at work because I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. Thank God I managed to grab on to the railing or I would be drinking pureed foods out of a straw right now. And I have no idea why, but that made me think about Snooki peeing on the floor of a club again. Yeah, so...I’m pretty much done. *setting down my glass of water and pushing it away from me*
And just so you know ahead of time, there was absolutely no mention of shopping for children at day care centers or local playgrounds, so you know this whole interview is a crock of shit! Baba Yaga will actually walk up to a toddler in the park and thump them on the head to see if they’re ripe. I also happen to know that she feeds corn kernels to toddlers right out of the palm of her hand. For the love of God, Baba Yaga. Has it really come to that? Corn-fed toddlers? I hope Jane the Vampire Slayer opens your coffin tonight and stakes you right in the heart.
Anyway, according to Diet.co.uk, Baba Yaga has a small appetite and eats a lot of red meat: “Angelina Jolie's diet is based around her not having a big appetite, so she does not need to go on diets to lose weight. She even eats red meat which is a known favourite of hers. Angelina favours lean steaks as part of her diet. This enables her to eat enough protein without stuffing her face.”
Okay, first of all - LIARS! We all know what Baba Yaga’s diet secret is, and it does not involve eating red meat! No! In fact, I managed to sneak into the cemetery late last night and catch Baba Yaga as she was leaving her crypt. Here is what she had to say:
ANGRY GREEK: Hi, Baba Yaga!
BABA YAGA: What the – YOU AGAIN?
ANGRY GREEK: Ha! Yeah! Sorry about that! I was actually wondering if I could ask you a few que –
BABA YAGA: Get the hell out of here, sugar tits! I have an orphanage to plunder!
ANGRY GREEK: But – but that’s what I came here to talk to you about! Your culinary talents!
BABA YAGA: Oh! Well, why didn’t you fucking say so?
ANGRY GREEK: Well, you didn’t give me the chance! Actually, I am currently wondering how you stay so skeletally thin. Do you have a secret?
You know, as much as I like to tease Luscious Lynn for being so magically delicious, she also happens to have a very lovely heart. In fact, she was kind enough to dedicate the very decadent Lzzy Hale on behalf of Becca last weekend! Becca, I also hope that you are feeling much better this morning! Normally, I would send the vagina over with some homemade soup but I am deathly afraid of her showing up on your doorstep in a crotchless nurse’s uniform and a case of vodka.
That is one fucked up version of Little Red Riding Hood, let me tell you. Yeah, I sent Little Red Riding Whore into the woods to bring a basket of goodies to grandma and instead, she went to a bar and got pubic lice from a hooker named Puddin'. Not good, vagina. Not good. This is not a good path you are going down. Nope. Not good at all.
You know, when I came home last night and started looking over the blog comments, I expected to see Capsie yelling about HENS and HAGS and SHRIVELED OVARIES. So imagine my surprise when I read the comments and saw Pammykins writing some terrifying story about Miss Margarine coming to life and biting someone in the leg! What the hell, Pammykins? And right before bedtime, too! Oh, and just for the record, I would never send your evil ass to Banned Camp! Even if I do happen to have nightmares about Miss Margarine covering my mouth with one hand and slicing my throat open with the other!
Anyway, now that I am sitting on my bed and trembling at the thought of Miss Margarine coming out of my closet with a spiked dildo, here is the very sexy David Beckham! Unlike Pammykins, I am sure David doesn’t enjoy teasing his friends until they soil their whore panties! Pammykins, just for scaring me last night, you get to take the vagina on a walk in her baby carriage this afternoon! Yeah! One afternoon with her is nearly as scary as ten minutes alone with Miss Margarine! At least when Miss Margarine fucks you up the ass, she cares enough to be completely sober.
Good morning, my expensive hos! I am starting to question whether or not Mondays are ruled by Satan because once again, I have to go in to work. And because this shit is UNGODLY and DARK-SIDED, I have decided to put up a video of our decadent God Warrior. If I weighed four-hundred pounds and had two teeth, this is what I would be doing this morning – screaming about GARGOYLES! PSYCHICS! EVERYTHING IS UNGODLY!
And before I forget, Becca’s birthday was this weekend, so please be sure to wish her a happy birthday when you see her! More on that tomorrow! My stupid ass should have been out the door twenty minutes ago. Have a wonderful Monday, everyone!
The Greek Girl
PS: Capsie, care to admit that you are the God Warrior? No? Come on, damn you! Give me something! The fire in your relationship with Pammykins is definitely going out!
And now that I'm deeply depressed over Foxy and our breakup, here are a couple of gay video clips to dull the pain. And speaking of dulling the pain, could someone please come over and kill House Bitch for me? I can’t take her anymore. We don’t share the same value system! What kind of sicko holds on to her hymen for twenty-seven years? It's sick, I tell you! Sick! *throws another vodka bottle at her head*
PS: I just watched the first clip again and is that JOANNA LUMLEY doing the voiceover? If so, that commercial just became my new favorite thing!