Stories about angelina jolie
And before you loons start screaming about HENS and WET PANTIES and DONUT CHEESEBURGERS, may I point out the fact that Goat Bitch has no idea that he’s engaged to Baba Yaga? In fact, that poor bitch is currently prancing through a field of daisies wearing a summery white dress and carrying a jewelry box with a pair of diamond-encrusted cock rings inside.
“Oh, Georgie!” he sighs, stopping to adjust his white velvet panties. “I always knew I would be a summer bride!”
Yeah, I really hate to be a girl scout but somebody needs to stop him before he makes it to George Clooney’s house and gets the door slammed in his face.
“You lying whore!” Clooney will sob from the other side of the door. “You told me you loved me! You told me you’d never get married for the sake of publicity! I can’t believe I trusted you!”
“Georgie, what are you talking about?” Goat Bitch will shriek, pounding desperately on the door. “Let me in! Let me in right now!”
“No!” Clooney will scream, throwing a vase of flowers against the door. “The best years of my life, Goat Bitch! That’s what I gave you! The best years of my life and you CRAPPED all over them!”
Yeah, loons! I bet you didn’t know any of that was going on! Anyway, this whole fuckery parade started on Friday morning when Robert Procop, a famed jewelry designer, claimed that Baba Yaga was wearing an engagement ring that he and Goat Bitch had designed together. Shortly after that, Goat Bitch’s rep confirmed the rumors by saying: “Yes, it's confirmed. It is a promise for the future and their kids are very happy. There’s no date set at this time.”
Oh, yes! I am certain the children are very happy! Yeah, as if Zahara doesn’t have enough shit to deal with already! It’s not enough that the poor girl has to stay up all night patrolling the local orphanages with a stake and a crossbow! No! Now she has to convince Baba Yaga not to hire Japanese chefs to chop up live children during the dinner reception!
Anyway, who the hell knows what’s going on anymore. All I can do is sit here and imagine what Baba Yaga’s first meeting with the wedding planner will be like.
WEDDING PLANNER: Now, as far as the menu is concerned –
BABA YAGA: Oh! Well, I do have a tentative menu planned if you would like to hear it.
WEDDING PLANNER: Oh, yes! By all means!
BABA YAGA: Well, for the appetizer, I was thinking of serving pecan encrusted toddler fingers wrapped in baby spinach leaves.
WEDDING PLANNER: What?
BABA YAGA: And for the salad, we can have hearts of romaine lettuce with eggplant tapenade, shaved parmesan, and preteen pate.
WEDDING PLANNER: Holy fu –
BABA YAGA: And for the entree, something classy. Horseradish whipped potatoes, baby carrots and miniature yellow squash, and toddler tenderloin with Vidalia onion relish. How does that sound to you?
WEDDING PLANNER: Get the fuck out of here, you satanic hand puppet! And take your effeminate goat with you!
And before any of you get started with me, I know this entire story is full of shit! Since when does Baba Yaga need to be fitted for fake horns? All you have to do is play a sound bite of children screaming and two horns will automatically stick out of her forehead. After all, there is nothing that excites Baba Yaga more than the sound of screaming children. In fact, she wants to create a soundtrack of children screaming over the sound of ocean waves. So relaxing. Especially after a long day of sodomizing goats and tenderizing toddler meat.
Anyway, as most of you know, Baba Yaga will be playing Maleficent in an upcoming movie and apparently, she was recently fitted for horns: “It’s a really great script. I’m having a lot of fun. I’ve already got my horns fitted. My kids are very happy.”
And once again, I am going to adjust that quote so that it actually makes sense to us: “Who wrote this piece of shit script? I have never read such pretentious crap in all my life! Obviously, the writer has no idea how to plagiarize! I am not having fun at all! Dammit, my horns are poking out of my forehead again! Goddamn kids! They’re the reason I’m so stressed out at the moment! Obviously, I’m feeding them too much kibble! Well, no more! From now on, they’re only getting one feeding a day!”
And this was followed by Baba Yaga lurching out into the backyard and spraying Goat Bitch in the eye with the hose. Yes. Just like Maman, Baba Yaga knows that the secret to life is abusing those who are less fortunate. Yeah, and why do I have the sneaking suspicion that Maman and Baba Yaga have been trading sexy messages in a Match.com chatroom?
MuppetSlipper666: So tell me a little bit about yourself.
DecayingCorpse69: Well, I like long walks on the beach, worshiping Satan, and eating toddler stew on chilly winter nights. What about you?
MuppetSlipper666: My, you sound wonderful. I enjoy beating my daughter, terrorizing Tokyo, and baking banana bread in my spare time.
DecayingCorpse69: Mmmm. You sound perfect.
MuppetSlipper666: Why, thank you. You also sound like a very lovely woman. Now put down that toddler stew and sit on my face. I am going to suck your soul out through your uterus.
DecayingCorpse69: Too late.
Usually, when Baba Yaga is upset about something, she will turn herself into a bat, fly over to the local orphanage, and volunteer to cook meals for the orphans. In other words, she comes down the chimney, strangles every adult in sight, and proceeds to force feed the children until they are sick to their stomachs.
“Eat!” she shrieks. “Eat, goddamn you! There is nothing worse than stringy toddler meat! You there! The brat in the yellow overalls! Keep marinating yourself in olive oil until I tell you to stop! Yeah! Don’t blame me when I toss you onto the barbecue and your skin sticks to the grill!”
Anyway, I really have to shake my head at Baba Yaga because apparently, she is still upset over the whole leg incident at the Oscars. Bitch, what did you think would happen? Did you honestly think that no one would make fun of you?
Stupid cunt. Anyway, according to the Celebs Gather website, Baba Yaga has been binge drinking and chain smoking on the set of Maleficent: “She always stinks of smoke. Angelina is all sharp bones and it hurts Brad when they hug.”
Okay, pardon me for laughing at that quote but since when does Baba Yaga hug Goat Bitch? Does this make sense to any of you? It doesn’t? Well, then I need to adjust the quote so that it actually makes sense: “She always stinks of rotting flesh. Baba Yaga is all sharp bones and it hurts Brad when she fucks him up the ass without lubricant. She has a very large penis.”
There. Much better. And speaking of large penises, I heard that George Clooney got arrested last week. How much do you want to bet that five minutes after Clooney was behind bars, a sobbing Goat Bitch ran into the police station with a jar full of pennies?
“Please, Officer!” Goat Bitch wept, placing the penny jar onto the counter. “This is all I have! Release him into my custody! I love him so much! There is a hole in my ass only he can fill! Please, Officer! PLEASE!”
First of all, I think the writers over at OK! magazine confused Baba Yaga with Goat Bitch because for some reason, I have a hard time picturing a two-thousand-year-old corpse giggling her way through a pajama party. Goat Bitch, on the other hand, probably showed up in a lacy nightgown and proceeded to chat about his boyfriend and how they kissed with tongues behind the 7-Eleven on Castro Street.
And for some reason, I can also picture Goat Bitch getting his hair braided by Vivienne while Zahara paints his toenails and tells him how pretty his eyelashes are.
“Oh, these old things?” Goat Bitch lisps, coyly batting his eyelashes. “Ugh! I hate them! But it’s awfully sweet of you to say so, Zahara! Gosh, will you be my best friend and trade glitter pencils with me after school?”
“Get fucked, bitch,” Zahara says, continuing to paint his nails.
Anyway, according to an interview with OK! magazine, Baba Yaga and Goat Bitch have pajama parties with the kids before bedtime: “Our happiest moments are probably in the evening before the kids go to bed. We often play together in our pajamas after dinner and it's like having a party sometimes where we're all dancing and jumping around and being silly. That's when you really feel the beauty of having a family. It's our little world."
Yeah, and for those of you who are wondering – yes, I did manage to find the unedited version of that quote before OK! magazine cleaned it up. And here it is:
“My happiest moments are when those fucking brats get locked up in their cages for the night. That’s when I put on my lingerie and meet Jenny Shimizu down in the basement. We often play together in the basement when the brats are asleep. I especially love jumping up and down on her penis. You have no idea how large that woman is. When I go to the bathroom the next morning, my urine usually squirts out in three different directions. Yeah, that’s when you really feel the beauty of fucking a bulldyke. It’s our own little world.”
PS: I think I may have found the cartoon version of Baba Yaga and Goat Bitch. Please take a moment to view the short clip and after that, repeat after me: “SWEEP OUT MY SARCOPHAGUS!”
After sitting here for ten minutes with a confused expression on my face, I have finally reached the conclusion that Baba Yaga was standing with her leg outstretched because her testicles needed to air out. Makes sense, right? Yeah, I thought so. And Baba Yaga, I hate to have to tell you this, but you should have let Goat Bitch wear that dress to the ceremony. Not only would it have accentuated his bustline, but his vagina would have looked lovely in that sexy high slit. After all, a lady should always feel free to show off her vagina on special occasions.
Anyway, who the fuck knows what’s going on in these pictures. I am currently very upset because it is painfully clear that Wig Jolie was drugged before the Oscars. Notice how silky and smooth her fur is! It is obvious that she was subdued and taken to a fancy pet salon before the awards ceremony. In fact, Baba Yaga probably spent two hours chasing Wig Jolie around the house with a butterfly net and a tranquilizer gun.
“WIG JOLIE!” Baba Yaga shrieked, lurching her way up the attic stairs. “You have nowhere to go, Wig Jolie! The attic is a dead end! Give yourself up!”
“DON’T COME ANY CLOSER!” Wig Jolie screamed, standing on a window ledge and trembling visibly. “I swear to God, bitch! I’ll jump!”
“No!” Baba Yaga gasped, dropping the butterfly net and falling to her knees. “Okay, Wig Jolie. You win. You win! Just don’t jump out the window, okay?”
“Will you let me wear a velvet collar to the Oscars tonight?” Wig Jolie shrieked.
“Yes! Anything you want! Just step away from the window.”
“And will you let me talk to the interviewers on the red carpet?”
“And will you let me urinate on Ryan Seacrest’s head?”
“Yes, goddammit! Now step away from the window!”
After a moment’s hesitation, Wig Jolie jumped off the window ledge and started cleaning her crotch area with her tongue. Which is precisely when Baba Yaga whipped out her tranquilizer gun and shot Wig Jolie in the neck. Goddamn you, bitch! Wig Jolie was going to come along quietly! I spit on you, Baba Yaga! I spit on you!
And speaking of spit, how much do you want to bet that George Clooney was spitting between Goat Bitch’s ass cheeks in one of the bathroom stalls at the Oscars?
“Oh, yeah!” Goat Bitch moaned, clutching at the toilet seat. “I’m ready, Georgie! Give it to me!”
“Pull up your skirts!” George panted, desperately pushing up Goat Bitch’s dress. “I want these out of the way!”
“Careful!” Goat Bitch gasped. “That gown is made out of satin crepe and handmade butterfly appliqu - AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”
And just so you know ahead of time, there was absolutely no mention of shopping for children at day care centers or local playgrounds, so you know this whole interview is a crock of shit! Baba Yaga will actually walk up to a toddler in the park and thump them on the head to see if they’re ripe. I also happen to know that she feeds corn kernels to toddlers right out of the palm of her hand. For the love of God, Baba Yaga. Has it really come to that? Corn-fed toddlers? I hope Jane the Vampire Slayer opens your coffin tonight and stakes you right in the heart.
Anyway, according to Diet.co.uk, Baba Yaga has a small appetite and eats a lot of red meat: “Angelina Jolie's diet is based around her not having a big appetite, so she does not need to go on diets to lose weight. She even eats red meat which is a known favourite of hers. Angelina favours lean steaks as part of her diet. This enables her to eat enough protein without stuffing her face.”
Okay, first of all - LIARS! We all know what Baba Yaga’s diet secret is, and it does not involve eating red meat! No! In fact, I managed to sneak into the cemetery late last night and catch Baba Yaga as she was leaving her crypt. Here is what she had to say:
ANGRY GREEK: Hi, Baba Yaga!
BABA YAGA: What the – YOU AGAIN?
ANGRY GREEK: Ha! Yeah! Sorry about that! I was actually wondering if I could ask you a few que –
BABA YAGA: Get the hell out of here, sugar tits! I have an orphanage to plunder!
ANGRY GREEK: But – but that’s what I came here to talk to you about! Your culinary talents!
BABA YAGA: Oh! Well, why didn’t you fucking say so?
ANGRY GREEK: Well, you didn’t give me the chance! Actually, I am currently wondering how you stay so skeletally thin. Do you have a secret?
BABA YAGA: I have several secrets! For several hundred years, I was lying dead in an ancient Egyptian tomb, so that took some weight off me. And after I was resurrected, I somehow fell into the La Brea Tar Pits and stayed there for about five-hundred years. So again – weight loss. And then –
ANGRY GREEK: Do you follow a special diet?
BABA YAGA: Well, yes. But first of all, you have to understand that I exercise! I burn many calories chasing after toddlers every day! It takes work breaking into homes and snatching children from their beds! People don’t appreciate that!
ANGRY GREEK: Awww, I’m sorry!
BABA YAGA: And if those brats manage to get away from you – well, you’d better have the stamina to catch up to them or the police will get involved!
ANGRY GREEK: Do you have a special way of preparing toddler meat?
BABA YAGA: Well, I scrape the toddler meat off the bones, chop it into fine pieces, and season it with rosemary and wild thyme.
ANGRY GREEK: Sounds delicious!
BABA YAGA: It is! And so lean! If you were to eat toddler meat every day for the rest of your life, you would never gain an ounce!
ANGRY GREEK: Thank you, but no. I still have a soul.
BABA YAGA: Do I smell a hymen?
ANGRY GREEK: Okay, yeah. It’s time for me to go. *covers my crotch and runs away from her as fast as I can*
And in other news, the sky is blue, House Bitch is a loser, and I enjoy a nice glass of wine every five minutes! Wow, thank you so much for keeping us informed, National Enquirer! Next week, you should run an article about how Jenny Shimizu has a twelve-inch penis. I am sure nobody knows a thing about that!
Anyway, why should I even waste my time talking about this shit? Everyone knows that Goat Bitch and Clooney spend their weekends reenacting scenes from Gone With the Wind in their petticoats. And as for Baba Yaga threatening Jen, I find that extremely hard to believe. Jen is in great physical shape and I am sure she could stake Baba Yaga in the heart faster than Baba Yaga could say, “I came here to rape you!”
Anyway, on the off-chance that Baba Yaga did threaten Jen, you know it went a little something like this:
BABA YAGA: So I opened the new issue of Star Magazine this morning and there was a juicy little tidbit about you and Justin having children.
JEN: Who is this?
BABA YAGA: Children can be such a blessing. Especially with a mixed salad and a side of wild rice.
JEN: What? Who the hell is this?
BABA YAGA: Tell me, Jen. Have you ever had preteen primavera with a glass of chilled blood?
JEN: Baba Yaga? Is that you?
BABA YAGA: No. Who is this Baba Yaga you speak of?
JEN: Goddammit, I know it’s you! You wait until I get Jane the Vampire Slayer on the phone!
BABA YAGA: No! Not Jane the Vampire Slayer! Curse you, Hagiston! Forget this ever happened!
YOU JEALOUS HAGS! I HOPE ALL OF YOU SEE THE COVER OF THIS MAGAZINE AND THROW YOURSELVES OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW! YOU’RE ALL RAUNCHY! RAUNCHY AND BARREN AND – WAIT A SECOND! DID I JUST HEAR THE ICE CREAM TRUCK? OH MY GOD, I’LL BE RIGHT BACK! *grabs a baseball bat and waddles out the door*
OKAY, I’M BACK! OH MY GOD! MOMMA ANGIE AND POPPA PITT ARE GONNA HAVE TWINS AGAIN! SUCK ON THAT, HENS! POOR HAGISTON DOESN’T HAVE ANY KIDS BECAUSE HER OVARIES ARE DRY AND SHRIVELED UP! MEANWHILE, ANGIE AND BRAD ARE HAVING LOTS OF HOT SEX EVERY NIGHT WHEN THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP! OH MY GOD, MY TENT PANTIES ARE QUIVERING AT THE THOUGHT OF IT! I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO GET IN BETWEEN THOSE TWO! OH, THE HOURS THEY WOULD SPEND TRYING TO FIND MY GENITALS UNDER MY STOMACH BLUBBER!
AND IN OTHER NEWS, I ATE AN ENTIRE CASE OF BEAN BURRITOS THIS MORNING AND I THINK I MAY HAVE FARTED THROUGH MY COUCH CUSHIONS. WHO DOES ONE CALL IN SITUATIONS LIKE THESE? SHOULD I CONTACT THE FURNITURE STORE? I THINK THE COUCH MIGHT STILL BE UNDER WARRANTY. OH, TO HELL WITH IT! I FEEL SAD AND CONFUSED, WHICH MEANS I SHOULD PROBABLY BURY MY FEELINGS UNDERNEATH HAMBURGERS AND COOKIE DOUGH.
GOD BLESS THIS BEAUTIFUL FAMILY! ANUSTAIN IS A LEATHER-FACE HAG! JUSTIN IS A MISERABLE MIDGET! SHILOH LOOKS JUST LIKE HER DADDY! VIVIENNE IS SUCH A LITTLE LADY! MADDOX IS SUCH A GOOD BROTHER! I MIGHT BE LOSING MY LEGS TO TYPE II DIABETES!
PS: I am so sorry for the lack of posts today, my expensive hos, but today is going to be a hectic day! Have a wonderful Thursday!
Thanks to our extremely decadent Head Troll, I am currently the proud owner of two of the gayest photos I have ever seen in my life. And considering the fact that I have seen Slutty Gay Friend prancing around in a Marie Antoinette costume, that's really saying something! So thank you for that, Head Troll! I feel alive again!
However, before I launch into my usual bullshit, I just wanted to say a few words about Baba Yaga. For the past two years, I have been writing about Baba Yaga on a fairly regular basis and frankly, I am running out of ways to say, “WHAT THE FUCK, YOU DAMN COKE WHORE BITCH!”
Seriously, I have no fucking idea who she is trying to convince in the above photo, but I have more chemistry with my goddamn laptop. In fact, my laptop is sitting on my lap right now and I am fingering it. The keys, I mean. Ah, fuck it! You know what I am trying to say!
And as for Goat Bitch, you know he’s pretending to be Drew Barrymore in Ever After. For the love of God, Goat Bitch! All that’s missing is a gossamer gown and a pair of sparkly angel wings! In fact, I think his conversation with Clooney went a little something like this:
GOAT BITCH: I am the one, my prince. The one you have been searching for. The one you danced with at the ball.
CLOONEY: Your – your eyes. They look very familiar...
GOAT BITCH: Yes! Yes, my prince! And if you allow me to, I’ll love you forever! I’ll even try on the glass slipper!
CLOONEY: Can’t you just slip a condom on me instead?
GOAT BITCH: Done! *dislocates his jaw and drops to his knees*
Whenever the loons find it necessary to yank down their tent panties and spatter my inbox with death threats and fecal matter, that is my cue to take their latest obsessions and run with them. And since we have already made fun of the Oscar nominations, I thought we would go ahead and take aim at Baba Yaga’s visit to the farmer’s market.
First of all, you know Baba Yaga barely eats. Once a week, she’ll open up the freezer, grab some leftover toddler fingers, and marinate them in olive oil and oregano. The rest of the time, she’s too busy flying across the moon on a broomstick and rubbing toad semen all over her anal warts. She barely has time to eat! So that being said, why was she lurching around the farmer’s market the other day?
Well, according to House Bitch, this is what went down:
FARMER: Good morning! What can I get for you?
BABA YAGA: Silence, whore! I require the jellified guts of a newborn puppy. Might you have those around here?
FARMER: Um, no...
BABA YAGA: The powdered bones of an impertinent toddler?
BABA YAGA: The pulverized testicles of an effeminate goat?
BABA YAGA: What about a jar of freshly preserved virgin hymens?
FARMER: I think you need to leave now.
BABA YAGA: Curse you, shopkeep! Well, no matter. I shall find my treasures elsewhere! Come, brats! *yanks on the kids’ leashes and moves on to the next stall*
PS: House Bitch and I apologize for the lack of posts today, but she has to be out of the house soon. Excellent! That will give me time to change all the locks and order five hookers!